The beginning of success

Success is different for all. Some reach their own of success through status, while others reach success with money. This week has perhaps been my worst nightmare, but also one more step closer to my own success. This week on the show I relived high school. I felt live i was the nerd yet again and the popular kids voted me off. But... on the bright side i learned a lot about me. It's crazy because I've always thought i was a pretty open person to friends and family. But it wasn't until one of my friends, who just so happens to also work on the show pointed out, that he's known me for a pretty long time, yet he doesn't know me. He said I'm fine with common conversation, but i kind of put up this wall. He said, "maybe you are too damn polite!" ... but that was the reason he said i was voted off. He said its because i'm too afraid to show myself to others and i have a really thick security blanket.

Now thinking about it, i think this has always been my big problem. I do care too much about what others think and it does get to me. So my question now is how do i open up? When all my live i have live a certain way how do i break free? How do I stop caring about what others think and live? I seriously don't know! Kinda funny, talkin about high school, i think finally understand what my department head was talking about in the 9th grade. He said, "you know its not about whether or not you can act, because you got in to this school. It's obvious you can act. What i'm more worried about is how you are as a person." At the time... i was literally like WTF! So i cried for the 1st time in my life at school. Then he said " you know i'm happy to see what i'm saying is effecting you"..(I'm thinkin wtf you made me cry) then he said "cause when you cry at least i'm seeing some kid of emotion and you are just a pretty girl with a smilie who is always happy." I literally walk out of the classroom feeling so insulted.

But looking back, especially after today, i understand. He's right, inside I'm not always happy, but I also don't wanna bother others with my drama... hahahaha so again, this brings me back to.... how do i let people in? Because it was so obvious the biggest problem i have always had with fulfilling my dream is... in many ways im not singing for me. I thinking way too much about what others might see me as. And in order for me to be closer to my success i need to crack the shell..... FUCK!!!!!

星光大道錄影。。

Apparently there are different layers of nervous-ness and this past week I have perhaps endured the majority. Last week we taped 2 episodes of the show, one which aired Friday and the other's airing next week. Even though I've awaited this opportunity all my life and we had a week to practice, when it came time to rock... my mind went blank.

WHAT"S WRONG WITH ME?

Ahh... nobody knows. ha.

But then again thinking back, this is also why I wanted to compete in this contest. I want to push myself to the fullest. Ever since I moved to Taiwan, stage fright has been a big issue. And its time to get over it! It's crazy cause I practically grew up on a stage. When I was 5, you'd have to pry a mic off me. But now, I get this overwhelming anxiety anytime someone mentions me singing a song. Sometimes its too easy to look back and think "wow i won this and this" or "wow i stared in this," but the hard part is leaving the past behind and striving for the future.

Ahhh... I have dwelled in the "what's wrong with me Q&A sessions" with myself and realized it's just a waste of time. So now I've moved on to closing my eye's, which actually kinda makes it worse. ha. So then the other day, while i was conversing with my friend he told me his technique of getting into a song. It's actually pretty ridiculous, but i think it just might work...Hahaah.

He told me the reason I'm so nervous is because i care too much about what other ppl think. So the next time before I sing, i should call the person my song is about.. hmm..(although i think this is only gonna be a one time thing...) But this week i'm singing 剪愛 by 黃小琥。 This is one of the best songs i do because it kinda defines the relationship i have with my ex boyfriend. Hmm... i think i'll try it and await for the wtf "hello" on the other end. But this just might work... hopefully my next entry with be: "Getting over performance anxiety 101."