Success is different for all. Some reach their own of success through status, while others reach success with money. This week has perhaps been my worst nightmare, but also one more step closer to my own success. This week on the show I relived high school. I felt live i was the nerd yet again and the popular kids voted me off. But... on the bright side i learned a lot about me. It's crazy because I've always thought i was a pretty open person to friends and family. But it wasn't until one of my friends, who just so happens to also work on the show pointed out, that he's known me for a pretty long time, yet he doesn't know me. He said I'm fine with common conversation, but i kind of put up this wall. He said, "maybe you are too damn polite!" ... but that was the reason he said i was voted off. He said its because i'm too afraid to show myself to others and i have a really thick security blanket.
Now thinking about it, i think this has always been my big problem. I do care too much about what others think and it does get to me. So my question now is how do i open up? When all my live i have live a certain way how do i break free? How do I stop caring about what others think and live? I seriously don't know! Kinda funny, talkin about high school, i think finally understand what my department head was talking about in the 9th grade. He said, "you know its not about whether or not you can act, because you got in to this school. It's obvious you can act. What i'm more worried about is how you are as a person." At the time... i was literally like WTF! So i cried for the 1st time in my life at school. Then he said " you know i'm happy to see what i'm saying is effecting you"..(I'm thinkin wtf you made me cry) then he said "cause when you cry at least i'm seeing some kid of emotion and you are just a pretty girl with a smilie who is always happy." I literally walk out of the classroom feeling so insulted.
But looking back, especially after today, i understand. He's right, inside I'm not always happy, but I also don't wanna bother others with my drama... hahahaha so again, this brings me back to.... how do i let people in? Because it was so obvious the biggest problem i have always had with fulfilling my dream is... in many ways im not singing for me. I thinking way too much about what others might see me as. And in order for me to be closer to my success i need to crack the shell..... FUCK!!!!!
