Lotus: 8.2.09 You Don't Know Me

LETTING GO

“It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.”LETTING GO. How do we truly let go, when is it time to let go and what does "letting go mean"?
-Mick Jagger

Lately i have constantly been confronted by this question. Whether it be in relationships, my career or in the things i like to do... like surfing, letting go is something I'm not familiar with and it's beginning to show. Perhaps letting go is a phrase i take lightly at first and then forget to revisit.

Well, today what brought me to this was a simple memory. Though i am not one to dwell in the past especially in relationships, i realized i don't think i have ever truly gotten over someone. I mean, what does "getting over it or someone" really mean? Does it mean I'm all of a sudden not going to have my life revolve around them? (because i'd never allow myself to do that to begin with.) Or does it mean that when i get home after drunken nights, the thoughts of calling won't exist. Yes, everyone just says.. "Ellen you need a new boy." But honestly, i don't think that's what i need. I like hanging out with just me. I love doing things alone because to me, being in a relationship should not be because you are lonely and bored.

So now back to the question, have i ever learned to let go? It's been so long and anytime i hear his name my heart still skips a beat. It's just like, I'm kinda still freaked about going surfing after my near drowning experience. And every time i step on stage my thoughts about past critiques still haunt me. All these thoughts forbid me from letting go, hence prevent me from moving forward. Where do i begin? Do i start with memories? (Because i tend to accidentally remember everything.) Will my bad memories all of a sudden fade, and how do i make new ones to replace the old ones? If letting go means you can think back and all you see is a clean canvas, then i have no idea where to begin.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
-Jim Morrison

LYRICS: M&M

M&M

CHINESE LYRICS BY: Ellen & Guo Hao

Mysterious man

打量你打量的她
舉杯邀請你的想法
當你的哥們 分擔感情 的瞎

曖昧總在等電話
不自由主啃著指甲
某夜共抽的煙 味道 躲進絲襪

Oh Mysterious man
永遠像迷宮裡的Johnny Deep
穿蛇皮的馬靴
嘴裡說著沒焦點的話
等愛的我卻還在幻想 害怕
你對我的渴望會如何 回答


Oh mysterious man
Can’t say your name, I’m too shamed
who are you, but just a name?
Fight the urge to call, cause don’t wanna hear recordings at all
(yeah I know) you’re not there….
Appearing to disappear is your game
But I gotta play, to keep sane.

Chorus:
Oh mysterious man
With time you got away
Mystery man oh mystery man
Couldn’t ask you to stay, for you don’t feel the same
I’m caught by you Mystery Man
Only you can stop this rain
Release me from this misery.


I don’t mean to pry, just one last try
tell me now, what’s inside?
I need to step outside my mind and unwind
Just want you to define
Your intentions
Just this last time
Reply

Chorus:
Oh mysterious man
With time you got away
Mystery man oh mystery man
Couldn’t ask you to stay
I’m caught by you Mystery Man
Mystery man oh Mr. Mysterious Man
Release me from this mystery.

Bridge:
(yeah I know) I’m just a game you wanted to maintain
someone to break you from her shame
What’s the secret can you tell me?
It will set me free
Tell me, why can’t it just be me?

Chorus:
Oh mysterious man
With time you got away
Mystery man oh mystery man
Couldn’t ask you to stay
I’m caught by you Mystery Man
Mystery man oh Mr. Mysterious Man
Release me from this mystery.

LYRICS: DOWNBEATS

So.. you walked up to talk
Could see ya had to pass the crowds uprock,
the downbeats’ in dismay,
gotta wonder what this infamous protagonist’s got to say
Eloquent in slang,
Yea but I still hear ya stutter in-between…

(hahaha)though I won’t say

The beats to a drum played our song
All ears in
your hand’s wrapped around my waist, no thought of losing’ pace
Your eyes, still lost in disguise
The music stops.

Elusive chemistry put on hold
Just a flash of your devilish grin
the whole world begins to spin

Trembles of the heart amped
The bass drops in
BPM risin’

where does this drum reside
must life be from both sides....
Hear the beat,
it’s playin’ our song
still not finding where a you and I belong
What’s that song.... reversing in the minds of those who knew
As my wait came to date
It was you who drew…

LYRICS: BITTERSWEET

Bittersweet
By ELF
Reference Music: Sakura

Slip into a view through rose-tinted glasses
My colors faded into your eyes
If hopes stem as vocalized dreams, at times though it seems, there’s still much more left for you to say.
Though words, just can’t be forced, when removed leaves remorse,
in the glare, all you want to do is stare.

I know it hasn’t been all that long,
How we came, it was almost wrong,
but standing in your center stage made me feel strong.

Whether found in if or when I were to part,
remembrance has dispelled upon this day from the start,
see the love in your eyes,
yet still know there’s a cloud that resides.
for its not left for me to un-mystify, I know it’s not for thine eyes

Relationships are said to be drops of time first loosely; then identified,
Leaving glimmers with anticipation, yet battles bleed the silence all around,
being with you is wrong,
I go, away and back, from your arms to darkness,
but I still wanna ask, if I can stay….
Even though I know it won’t be me,
I savor every moment, though it’s my last,
My eyes close savoring seconds prolonged
I wait though breaths, partially prepared, for a conclusion shall soon arrive
I’ve learned dreams hurt, especially when personified into anything but a dream.

LYRICS: OBSESSION

Obsession
By ELF

It’s least expected
when the feeling over takes,
upon the silence of nights
my urges consume me whole; the force which ignites the burning, returning to red.

Chorus
I fall incomplete, defeated by your deceit .
once again alone
my obsession’s again taken hold, leaves me cold
Fallen, yet again this time without discreet.
Immediate satisfaction forbids release.

The people who care, tell me to stop.
while desperation grows greater to resist.
my heart throbs succumbing to addiction,
When the poisoned blood circulates, resistance is lost.
at what cost?


When you depart I am once again alone.
As i change my sheets, the tone settles in
I gotta stop!
Upon your return temptations flame.
Drowning in indulgent substances, they keep me from going insane.
They ease my pain with regret.


longing to break from captivity time after time.
searching for my repellent
Cause time just continues to bind
for your knock on my door eats me alive.

The beginning of success

Success is different for all. Some reach their own of success through status, while others reach success with money. This week has perhaps been my worst nightmare, but also one more step closer to my own success. This week on the show I relived high school. I felt live i was the nerd yet again and the popular kids voted me off. But... on the bright side i learned a lot about me. It's crazy because I've always thought i was a pretty open person to friends and family. But it wasn't until one of my friends, who just so happens to also work on the show pointed out, that he's known me for a pretty long time, yet he doesn't know me. He said I'm fine with common conversation, but i kind of put up this wall. He said, "maybe you are too damn polite!" ... but that was the reason he said i was voted off. He said its because i'm too afraid to show myself to others and i have a really thick security blanket.

Now thinking about it, i think this has always been my big problem. I do care too much about what others think and it does get to me. So my question now is how do i open up? When all my live i have live a certain way how do i break free? How do I stop caring about what others think and live? I seriously don't know! Kinda funny, talkin about high school, i think finally understand what my department head was talking about in the 9th grade. He said, "you know its not about whether or not you can act, because you got in to this school. It's obvious you can act. What i'm more worried about is how you are as a person." At the time... i was literally like WTF! So i cried for the 1st time in my life at school. Then he said " you know i'm happy to see what i'm saying is effecting you"..(I'm thinkin wtf you made me cry) then he said "cause when you cry at least i'm seeing some kid of emotion and you are just a pretty girl with a smilie who is always happy." I literally walk out of the classroom feeling so insulted.

But looking back, especially after today, i understand. He's right, inside I'm not always happy, but I also don't wanna bother others with my drama... hahahaha so again, this brings me back to.... how do i let people in? Because it was so obvious the biggest problem i have always had with fulfilling my dream is... in many ways im not singing for me. I thinking way too much about what others might see me as. And in order for me to be closer to my success i need to crack the shell..... FUCK!!!!!

星光大道錄影。。

Apparently there are different layers of nervous-ness and this past week I have perhaps endured the majority. Last week we taped 2 episodes of the show, one which aired Friday and the other's airing next week. Even though I've awaited this opportunity all my life and we had a week to practice, when it came time to rock... my mind went blank.

WHAT"S WRONG WITH ME?

Ahh... nobody knows. ha.

But then again thinking back, this is also why I wanted to compete in this contest. I want to push myself to the fullest. Ever since I moved to Taiwan, stage fright has been a big issue. And its time to get over it! It's crazy cause I practically grew up on a stage. When I was 5, you'd have to pry a mic off me. But now, I get this overwhelming anxiety anytime someone mentions me singing a song. Sometimes its too easy to look back and think "wow i won this and this" or "wow i stared in this," but the hard part is leaving the past behind and striving for the future.

Ahhh... I have dwelled in the "what's wrong with me Q&A sessions" with myself and realized it's just a waste of time. So now I've moved on to closing my eye's, which actually kinda makes it worse. ha. So then the other day, while i was conversing with my friend he told me his technique of getting into a song. It's actually pretty ridiculous, but i think it just might work...Hahaah.

He told me the reason I'm so nervous is because i care too much about what other ppl think. So the next time before I sing, i should call the person my song is about.. hmm..(although i think this is only gonna be a one time thing...) But this week i'm singing 剪愛 by 黃小琥。 This is one of the best songs i do because it kinda defines the relationship i have with my ex boyfriend. Hmm... i think i'll try it and await for the wtf "hello" on the other end. But this just might work... hopefully my next entry with be: "Getting over performance anxiety 101."

HMMM GOSH, WHY DO I ALL OF A SUDDEN SUCK @ SURFING?

Alright it's been a while now since my last stoke. I super need to be inspired (in surfing). It's almost as though every time I head to the beach, I'm just there to soak up the salt water... which sucks! Ahhh enough said, I'm going surfing right now. Wish me luck!


random thought.... damn my wetsuit smells, I've gotta stop peeing inside it! (hey, don't hate, everyone does it!) LOL!

A New Year with new thoughts

Last year was a long year indeed, with extreme highs and even more extreme lows. As they say, we live to learn... damn the learning process hurts! As a conclusion to the year left behind, I've learned: to achieve greatness... one must allow themselves the right to feel. For it's feeling which brings passion, the same thing that divides leaders from followers. And dammit this year is gonna be different! No more anesthesia, I'm taking the pain head on! After all I'm not getting anywhere going through life numb, so I'm taking the plunge.... here I go!